You Want Ch'i With That?

by Tom Campbell

Having given up on finding spiritual value within, thousands of Americans are turning to Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese art of jump-starting spirituality with harmonious construction and design.

As with many of the world's traditions, Feng Shui has been leached of color and taste for sale to Westerners. Among its new guises are:

• Something new to amuse us now that we're tired of walking on hot coals
• Instant real estate appreciator ("See, it's auspicious that the backyard is in a flood plain, because the Fire Trigram of the Pakua is on the South side!")
• A new way to sell surplus new age gewgaws ("Step right up! Get your feng shui pyramid sleep tents here!")
• A ready-made excuse for everything ("Of course our business failed. The building's Kan Yue was all out of whack!")
• Martha Stewart for the astrology-and-crystals set

White House Feng Shui Diagram, from "The Feng Shui of the White House" by Lillian Too (http://www.worldoffengshui.com/misc6.htm).

Isn't it great to know that this ancient art, developed for emperors and feudal lords who held sway over slaves and serfs, is still relevant to these modern times we live in?

Feng Shui, by the way, is pronounced "Fung Shwee" and is an epithet used in some Jackie Chan movies. Feng means "wind" and Shui means "noise one makes while spitting out beer and broken teeth."

Here are some of the more colorful claims made by Feng Shui devotees: buildings have natal charts, placing the hay and water troughs just so enhances the flow of ch'i (energy) through a horse stable, the right-hand corners of your house are the "wealth corners," and removing water fountains on the southeastern and western sides of the White House could have prevented the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal.

Just as real astrologers scorn newspaper horoscopes, true practitioners of "the science of Feng Shui" disdain what they call "Fast Food Feng Shui." But I'd like to embrace that idea. Why not redesign fast food restaurants according to Feng Shui principles?

First perform the ritual cleansing to purge the restaurant of elements that tend to inhibit ch'i: old French fries, ketchup packages, spilled milk shakes, E. coli, etc.

Then, if necessary, extensive renovation must be done to achieve proper balance and spiritual flow through the restaurant. The soft drink fountains must be oriented on a Northeast-Southwest axis to parallel the course of the Great River Yanghtze, source of all life. The grill must be at least 3 cubits from the French Fry Cauldron, symbolizing the traditional relationship of stable to sacrificial altar. And, by the way, it goes without saying that whatever meat is on the menu, be it bovine, porcine, or poultrine (or equine), it must be procured only from Feng Shui-compliant stockyards.

And don't forget the outside of the restaurant! The drive-through lane should follow the classic mystic spiral pattern, traversing a counter-clockwise course bringing the supplicant gradually closer to the source of Fhoud, the fundamental energy source of nutrition. If the drive-through is properly constructed, drivers will be able to actually understand the words coming from the perforated round silver speaker on the Great Plastic Wall of Choice.

The proportions of the play area must be carefully constructed so that the ratios of the vertical and horizontal monkeybars, the length of the slides, the amount of spring in the hobby-horses, etc. all conform to the fundamental number for the current epoch. Look in your Yellow Pages to find a licensed geomancer for this part of the job. The consequences could be costly.

For example, right now we're living in a Period of Seven, so if the slide is five feet high and nine feet long (a total of 14 feet), you're OK. But if the numbers add up to a factor of six or eight, look out! Some kid will break his arm and his family will sue you for all your D'oh (coins; also an epithet used by Homer Simpson).

The menu itself should be related to the traditional Chinese calendar. In 2001, the Year of the Snake, Feng Shui fast food restaurants served Diamondback Dogs and Rattler Fajitas. In 2002, the Year of the Horse, peddling horseflesh may be more of a challenge. But with proper marketing, customers will soon be clamoring for Ponyburgers, Blackened Stallion, and Appaloosa Pie.